Finding Myself

Posted on February 23, 2014 by tsandhage


I should name this blog “Finding Myself, Year 56.” It feels like I’ve been searching for, learning more, having setbacks, and figuring stuff out again every year of my life. And, if I was completely honest, that is probably pretty accurate and will continue to be accurate for the rest of my life. After all, learning and coming to a deeper understanding of my life and my place in this Universe is a Lifelong process. Since my job here on Earth is to figure out myself and develop deep relationships, I know I need to find myself within my marriage. As the saying goes, “I need to find a way to grow where I’m planted.” I find these things so much easier when I am by myself. When I’m by myself, I do what I want to do when I want to do it and how I want to do it. When I’m in a relationship, I find myself constantly trying to do everything jointly. Maybe I’m taking the wrong approach. Maybe there is some middle ground I’m missing. I do know I’ve not been happy with the completely joint approach. It always feels like I’m asking permission to do whatever I want or need to do and that’s just illogical.

There are a few changes I want to make and they require decisions only I can make. They are things like getting more exercise, fixing meals at home, finding my passions and time for them, getting enough rest, reading, working, and taking care of the animals. All of these things are things only I can do (except taking care of the animals) and it is up to me to figure out how to get all of them done. Do I do all of them every day? Do I make a schedule? What? I don’t really know yet. I do know I must focus within for the solutions.

In the past, including right up to this morning, I find myself focusing externally for solutions to how I’m feeling. Over the past few years, I have figured out I feel better and do better when I focus within for solutions but that is not my first inclination yet. I have read “A Course In Miracles,” twice, and I am currently doing the next step which is doing the lessons that came with my book (the lessons take a year). I’m getting much better at remembering to focus within for solutions. I can tell a big difference in me and in my health. Every step I take toward letting go of fear and taking complete responsibility for everything I feel has taken me closer to perfect health. I can do so much more than I could a couple years ago. After 8 years of flailing and being unable to do much of anything but sleep, these past 2 years I have seen tremendous improvement in my health. As I let go of blaming my external circumstances, I see my energy improve. This is the first year, I’ve been able to consider adding exercise to my life. Last year, I added some work & periodic blogging to my life. This year I hope to add some exercise in the forms of flexibility & biking as well as fixing food for myself. I’ve even thought I might add another page to this blog for how to fix food for 1 person.

During my recent visit with my parents, I realized I am able to think creatively about ways to do what I need to do for myself and still allow others to live their lives without changing. As it turned out, my parents did make some changes but I had figured out how to do what I needed for me without them having to make changes. I can apply that same creativity to my current life with Jeff and with clients.

As a person who has always felt responsible for everyone and everything, it is difficult to accept everyone will function just fine without my intervention. I still have guilt, periodically, but I am learning to help while allowing others to do their own work. I’m also learning to speak up without being defensive or controlling. I’m learning to not react when others feel defensive or controlling. Instead, I am learning to listen and try to help them figure out what is going on for them, if they want to know. I’m learning to draw lines about negativity; I won’t let people spend time putting down others around me. I’m learning so much and I can’t even remember it all until something triggers one of my new skills.

I’ll probably have future posts about finding myself as I progress through this process. I wish patience for myself and my journey.

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Tuna Salad

Posted on February 23, 2014 by tsandhage

6 Hard Boiled Eggs
1 can of tuna in water, drained
1 can of tuna in oil, undrained
Mayo to bind

Use a fork, food processor, or sharp potato masher to cut eggs into small pieces. Add drained tuna in water and undrained tuna in oil. You can drain the tuna in oil but add some of your favorite oil in its place, like Grapeseed Oil, Sesame Seed Oil, or Olive Oil. Mix tuna into eggs evenly. Add enough Mayonnaise to bind the eggs and tuna together. I like a lot of Mayo so I use about 3/4 to 1 cup.

This can be eaten straight, put on a tortilla, bread, or whatever conveyance you desire. I use bread and toast the bread to give the sandwich some crunch. I think the bread being toasted is why I get so many compliments on my tuna salad. Or, maybe it’s because it is such a simple recipe.

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Lovers Gonna Love

Posted on February 15, 2014 by tsandhage

Really nice. We have all emotions within us. Choose which ones you want to develop.

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The Story

Posted on February 14, 2014 by tsandhage


We all have a story. It is the story of our background. The things which have happened in our lives that have made us who we are and influence how we think and act. Often this story has a lot of drama in it. Often it is unkind to parents, friends, acquaintances, and partners. This story keeps us stuck in the past. I cannot tell my story without returning to the past to do so. I can let go of the feelings associated with the story. I can tell it very neutrally. It will always take me back to the past. A place that does not exist any more except in my mind and within my body. We all have a story and we all, probably, know someone who’s story is worse than our own. Stories are kind of like health issues, someone always has it worse. Some people wear their stories like a badge of honor. Some people live in shame of their stories. Rarely do people realize their story is simply a history of how that person got to be the wonderful human being they are today. We all survived our stories!

Now is the time to walk forth and begin to live in the present. Let go of the story. Thank it for its contribution to who you are now and let it go. The letting it go begins with forgiveness. Not forgiveness for what happened but forgiveness for wishing it were different, for wanting others to be different, for not being able to make things different. We are not able to influence anyone but ourselves. I forgive myself for wanting a different life, I thank the Universe for the life I’ve lived, and I embrace the knowledge gained from those life experiences. Thanks to all my experiences, I’m able to be more empathetic to people going through similar situations. I am able to help others see their value and, hopefully, step into their power.

I admit it is almost impossible to control one’s life before the age of 18. Other people control us. It’s simple and it is the way it is. Sometimes we can change our circumstances before 18 but, usually, it must wait. Once we are 18, though, our life is our own. Our successes and failures are up to us. Whether we succeed or fail doesn’t even matter on a day to day basis. I’ve failed so many times I cannot even count that high. I never really thought of those times as failures because I see them more as attempts at finding what works for me. A statement I use to tell my students is, “If we never fail, we never learn.”

My wish for people is to embrace who they are. Without a doubt I know every person is filled with Light and Love. Some people may be so beaten down by life they do not see their Light but it is still there. The Ego hides the Light because the Light will destroy the Ego. For those who do not think they are Light and Love, I ask you to look at a newborn. Can you see the innocence in that child? Do you see darkness and evil? Only Light and Love exist in a newborn. That is how I know everyone is Light and Love at their core. Find the newborn within. Look at everything with fresh eyes. Allow the Miracle that is your Life to open and embrace you. Appreciate the Gift you are to the Universe. Only you have the Gift you brought here. Please share your Gift with the rest of us. We are waiting.

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Me, me, me

Posted on February 7, 2014 by tsandhage

The great majority of my life has been spent putting others before myself. I’m not saying this to get sympathy. I do believe it is important to honor others and it is important to honor one’s self. The problem lies when I let honoring others take precedence over honoring myself. There are areas of my life where I’ve gotten good at setting and maintaining boundaries. There are areas where I don’t even realize I’m not honoring myself until I find myself angry, irritable, and frustrated but no idea why. As I’ve said before I am dealing with some of those issues at this time and I know I need to figure out what I need. It is hard to set a boundary when I don’t know what boundary I’m not honoring.

This time I seem to be focused on a need to take care of myself. That is a difficult thing for me to do. There are so many reasons to let this slide and never have time for me. It is of course ridiculous and the reasons for the slide are really just excuses to allow me to dishonor myself. So, this recognition has started me thinking about what I can do to honor myself. First, I can start eating throughout the day. I often just forget to eat. I need to make a conscious decision to eat at least 3 times per day. I know this one will be very challenging because I think of myself as fat and, even though I know I need to eat more to lose weight, I don’t eat as a sort of punishment towards myself. Hmmm. Writing that made me realize this may not be about setting boundaries but more about forgiving myself for not knowing things I’ve begun to learn, for allowing the external to drive my life, for getting sick and being ill for so long, for the many things I’ve been unable to do but felt I was supposed to do.

Okay, this feels like I’m more on the right path. So, I need to forgive myself for being human, for not knowing everything, for …. I just need to forgive myself. Wow, this is big! I’ve always felt I was responsible for everything. If something went wrong, I was responsible for not getting it right or for not keeping it from going wrong. I was responsible for people whether I was present or not. Catastrophes? My fault. No, I wasn’t responsible for the good stuff. Not sure why but it was clear to me I wasn’t responsible for those things.

The path I’m on shows me I am not responsible for anything in this world. My only responsibility is to Love and build connections. I am not responsible for whether others connect with me. I am responsible for being available for healthy connections. No wonder I’ve felt so lost lately. My world is turning upside down. I have no basis for understanding a world where I’m no longer responsible for what happens to everyone, for how they feel, for how they live.

I am only responsible for me. I guess that walks me right into the self-care I need to start doing. It’s also the reason I sabotage myself. I don’t really know how to do self-care. Eating throughout the day is a good first step, getting the sleep I need, and searching for where I’d like my life to go are also good steps. It’s interesting that this realization stops me in my tracks. I feel like I am in completely uncharted territory. I felt that way when I started writing this blog. So, that means I’ve just jumped into the deep end of the pool and now my job is to dog paddle until I get to a comfortable place.

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Dis-Ease Causes Disease

Posted on February 2, 2014 by tsandhage

First, let’s clarify what I mean by Dis-Ease vs. Disease. When I say Dis-Ease, I am referring to fear-based emotions:  anger, frustration, irritation, intolerance, anything other than love. When I say Disease, I am referring to illness:  flus, colds, allergies, MS, Lyme, high blood pressure, anything other than perfect health. I am not the originator of these thoughts. I learned of them through Louise L. Hay, founder of Hay House Publications. She has been talking about these things for a very long time. I simply read her words and agreed with her. She has also begun to talk about how food plays a part in illness. I have known that for some time which is not to say that I only eat what is in my best interest. However, I think it is most helpful to my body when I provide nourishment that supports its healing rather than asking it to deal with food which is less than optimal. For most of us, it is difficult to eat only optimal food because so few of us have gardens, access to fresh, unsprayed fruit, and even fewer of us raise our own meat.

One more point about dis-ease causing disease. Many people jump to “Are you telling me I caused my problems?!” I have never seen the idea of dis-ease causing disease as being a way to blame people for anything that happens in their lives. I see that view as disempowering. When I read Louise’s thoughts, I felt truly empowered. If the way I interact with the world, and those in it, can produce illness within myself then I am capable of reversing all illness by changing how I interact with the world and everyone in it. I much prefer the empowering point of view because it means I don’t have to be ill. I can change my life. I can become healthy and vibrant and will have discovered the fountain of youth. Supposedly, everyone is looking for the Fountain of Youth. Do they only want it if it comes in pill form? Is it not worthy if it must come from within? So, to clarify. Yes, I think you have complete control over your health. I do not think you caused any illness you may have. I believe you did not know of any possible connection between how you think and how you feel. I didn’t! Now, I think differently and I’ve noticed a difference in how I feel. I believe there is a connection. I feel empowered. Feel free to join me and feel empowered too.

Last post I talked about the weirdness of being calm. As with all things, the calm has passed and I’m in a state of dis-ease. The dis-ease came about from a good thing. I had a client in a state of emergency so I worked on a day I normally reserve for rest. When working with clients, I am pretty good at using Universal energy so I come through the experience in pretty good shape. This experience was different. I tried to use only Universal energy and, for the most part, I was successful. As I’ve talked about before, I tend to act as a conduit, for my Guides, during sessions with clients. This time, the client was in so much need, I could feel multiple beings working through me to help the client. The session was successful in considerably less time than normal which supports the concept of the multiple beings involved. But I’m not use to so many beings working through me and I found it to be a stressful experience for my body. I think I will get use to it, in time, though I’m not sure what needs to happen to make it an easier experience for myself. Anyway, this experience caused me to lose my calm place because it was fatiguing for me. It seems I lose my calm place any time I’m stressed to the point of fatigue. On the plus side, this time I am unhappy about losing my calm place. So while calm may not feel normal yet, it has become preferable to a state of anxiety for me. That is progress. I want my calm back! 🙂

Back to the premise of this blog post. Any time I feel dis-ease, I notice a big dip in my energy, I will often begin to experience sinus symptoms, I am easily angered, I am intolerant of most forms of human and animal contact, and I find I just want to seclude myself and not see, hear, or talk with anyone. I definitely become a reclusive personality. So much so I found it difficult to blog this week. Even though I had the subject in mind for the entire week, the thought of sitting down and typing seemed monumental. I believe the dis-ease I feel, when added up over time, becomes more than my body can handle and, eventually, turns into a disease. This belief is verified, for me, since when I get rested I will find my sinus problems disappear, I will be calm again, and I will be sociable again (though I admit I am more reclusive, normally, than social). It is challenging to keep dis-ease out of my life. Of course, the more calm I become the less dis-ease enters my life. Since dis-ease enters when I am low on energy, this means I need a new level of awareness to keep my energy levels elevated. It also means I need to honor my need to be reclusive when my energy is low. Right now, I tend to force myself to carry on but I can see that is detrimental to my spousal relationship and to myself. I must be willing to go through the fatigue and allow my body to heal before tackling more social engagements.

I mentioned food earlier. While I believe most disease is caused by dis-ease, I do also believe our food plays a significant part in our ability to stay healthy. Our food is treated with chemicals that infiltrate and cannot be washed away. Food may also contains genetics for pesticide resistance and bacterial strains to keep it “healthy” while being grown. Those things are not good for us. Many animals, produced for food, suffer from poor food quality, mistreatment, stress, and poor living conditions. These things affect the meat produced. I’ve noticed even organically raised chicken tastes just like store bought chicken if it isn’t raised in a large enough area for the birds to truly live a quality life. I know this because the taste is so bland compared to the animals I raise myself. Of course, I only raise for myself so I’m only raising a few birds vs. the 100’s of chickens most organic suppliers are raising. It makes a huge difference. Eggs are the same way, even my egg clients comment on the quality of my eggs vs. some organic suppliers; I only sell extra eggs. These differences are why more people need to return to the ways of the 40’s and raise their own fruits, vegetables, eggs, and meat, whenever possible. It helps to recognize that just because something is raised organically doesn’t mean it’s raised in a way that produces the best food though it usually better than industrially raised food. I don’t mention these things to judge anyone. I mention them because the ideas are things we all need to think about and decide what is best for each of us – keeping in mind the food we consume is what our bodies use to support us in resisting disease.

Take care of yourselves! Try to reduce your dis-ease so you can reduce your disease.

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Lifelong Dreams

Posted on January 24, 2014 by tsandhage

For the majority of my life, I have wanted to make a living with horses. I wanted a barn, indoor and outdoor riding arena, I would train horses, and I would teach people how to care for horses and how to ride. I might board other people’s horses, rescue horses, or rehabilitate horses. I wanted a lot of land and I wanted it to border a State Park or Forest so there would be plenty of room for trail riding. I could offer a place for people to stay, take them on trail rides, and teach them about horses as well. Since I’m also into self-sufficiency, I would also have some cattle, rabbits, ducks, and chickens. There would be a dog or two and cats. That dream has never come to fruition and it is doubtful it ever will. When I realized my dream was unlikely to happen, I felt a lot of anger and disappointment; I sometimes still do.

Interestingly, over the past year, my life has been rapidly changing and I’ve begun to have a new dream. The new dream does not contain any animals. In fact, it contains no responsibilities whatsoever. Part of me is bothered by this new dream because it seems so different from who I always thought myself to be. However, as I said, things are rapidly changing for me and I often find myself curious to see who I will be when my transformation is complete.

So far, I see a person who is much calmer than before, my memory of events isn’t what it use to be because I find myself not caring to remember, and I feel so nonplussed by events happening around me I wonder if something is wrong. I’ve never felt the way I do these days and the lowered anxiety sometimes makes me wonder if I’m depressed. There is also a part of me that doesn’t care to worry about where my life is going now. Most of the time, I’m feeling happy to be along for the ride and enjoy the process of discovering the me I’m becoming.

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On Death & Dying

Posted on January 16, 2014 by tsandhage

Swans
Jeff & I are finalizing our Wills, Power of Attorney papers, and Living Wills. This process does not bother me. I’m just happy to try to make things a bit less chaotic for anyone who is still alive, in my family, when I am dead. Truthfully, these items only really matter if Jeff & I both are dead because, if only one of us is dead, nothing really changes.
I am not afraid of death. I know many people who are afraid. I also know people who say they are not afraid but follow it up with words that say they are afraid. Agreed, I don’t want a long, painful death. I feel confident that is not in my future. I don’t know how I know that but, like many things I know about myself, it is just something I know. I guess I really believe I have a lot of control over what my future holds in many ways. Maybe not in every way but I think my belief system is very instrumental in my life. It has been proven to me over and over again.
For instance, I’ve known since I was really young that I would never have anything seriously wrong with me. So, when I was diagnosed with MS and then with Lyme, it didn’t really bother me. I recognize most people seem to feel these are serious dis-eases but I always felt neither dis-ease would end up being a problem in the long run. I thought I needed access to the drugs to help myself feel better but it turned out I was wrong about that. The MS drugs actually made me feel MUCH worse. The Lyme drugs pointed out to me that inflammation was a large part of my problem but they didn’t get rid of it and, eventually, I started having worse reactions to those drugs as well. That is when I finally accepted these diagnosis’ were not about the dis-eases but more about my life path and my journey to get where I’m going. I would tell you where I’m going but I don’t know.
I do know I’ve had to concentrate on the thoughts which run through my mind. I have found my thoughts influence how I feel so strongly they can make me feel full of energy or take away all my energy in just a second. It’s really challenging to break the cycle of the Ego talking within my mind but I am progressing in the journey. Just yesterday, I was talking with a couple who were obviously very upset about a friend. As I listened, I could feel my mind realizing I was supposed to be tensing and getting caught up in the story but I couldn’t figure out why. After asking some questions to clarify what they were saying, I realized they were reacting to the situation as if it were a bad thing whereas I would be thankful for the situation. I love when these little things happen as they point out to me how much I am changing. In the past, I would have been right there with them about how their friend got the raw end of the deal. Now, I just wondered why their friend didn’t realize what a blessing they’d received.
Am I perfect in this? Not by any means. I still have my triggers. I am learning to quickly recognize when my buttons get pushed so I can make a choice as to whether I wish to continue reacting or realize the incident is not about me. Sometimes, I choose to react. Sometimes, I choose to understand the incident has nothing to do with me. When I choose to react, I can feel how my body changes and I don’t like it. I can tell those reactions are part of the reason I’ve had so many health issues. So, I find myself choosing me and letting everyone else have their feelings which have nothing to do with me, even if they think I’m the cause. By the way, this also applies to positive incidents where people want to give me credit for changes in their lives. I may have helped them see a different point of view but they are the ones who implement the change.
What does all this have to do with death and dying? I’m not concerned any more with what HAS to be done with my life. I’m lucky I’ve reached a point where I know everything is flowing exactly as it is meant to be, though I sometimes forget. Of course, I’m pretty sure I have many years left ahead of me. Others will disagree and often do but that is their reality and I prefer mine. After all, our individual realities direct how we normally live. It is only when we realize this reality is an illusion that we can connect with the larger picture and realize none of this is important. The only truly important thing is connecting through love and supporting each other’s highest Spiritual Self. When we accomplish this goal, we also realize there is no such thing as death because we are immortal. Our bodies are just vessels which keep us small and contained. Our bodies are not who we are.

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Staying In The Present Moment

Posted on January 11, 2014 by tsandhage


For years, I have read and heard a lot about learning to stay in the Present moment. I’ve heard how important it is and that it will change my life, staying in the Present will bring me Peace, I will never experience another reaction, and my life will be like living in a constant state of meditation. Lately, I’ve been thinking about the Present moment and my husband, Jeff, made a good point; it was a “Duh” kind of moment. Jeff said, “Every moment is in the past.” If you think about it, as most of us experience life, this is a true statement. What we view with our eyes does not immediately register as a thought. After the sight is interpreted by our brain, the moment is already in the past even if it continues to happen in our perception of the present.
So, after spending some time thinking about this conundrum, I realized meditation is what helps me come to the Present. In the beginning, my mind was a little chatter box and I continually had to pull it back to the chant or breath. But, as I get better at monitoring my mind, I find moments where my mind is silent. For me, the silent moments sometimes bring thought as well:  either an observance that my mind is silent or my mind begins to have images flow through it and I begin to notice those images. I realize that my mind is not silent once I notice the silence or when I notice the images because I start trying to make sense of them. I also know there will come a time where I will be able to let nothing or something flow through my mind and not have any thought about it at all. That moment will be when I start learning how to live in the Present. Peace comes from the silence of the mind. In the silence of the mind, there is only acknowledgement but no judgment or thought about what flows through the mind. I can also see where living in the Present will reduce the amount of talking I will do. If I have no thought about what happens around me, I really have no thought about commenting on it or feelings of wanting to change anything. I can see where this brings about Peace.
I have recently begun to see that I may achieve some semblance of Presence at some point in time. I have been able to reduce the noise in my mind considerably, especially when I am in a meditative state. I also notice the noise reduction when around people; there have even been times when someone has expected me to say something and I am completely unable to think of anything to say because I truly have no thoughts or feelings about the subject. I finally realized I could say, “I have no thoughts to share on that subject.” Interestingly, some response seems to be enough and the other person is able to continue and feel satisfied. I do find myself wondering where all this will lead. I had thought I knew where my life was heading but it seems to be taking a new direction or maybe this is part of the direction where I thought I was heading. Interestingly, I find myself completely at ease with whatever happens and I am enjoying the journey for probably the first time in my life.
The journey (process) has always been so difficult for me, in the past, because I felt myself wanting to get through it faster and reach my goal. I wanted to avoid the pitfalls and develop my understanding without spending time learning through failures. Now, I don’t see anything as a failure. It is all part of the process and necessary for my understanding and learning. How can I help others if I never experience any of the things someone else might experience? I find myself excited to reach my first hour where I am completely in the Present. I chose an hour because I don’t think I’ll notice the first 15 or 30 minutes. I think it will take almost an hour before I realize I’ve been completely Present for a span of time. Of course the realization will take me out of the Present but that’s part of the process.
Do any of you meditate?

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'Tis the Season

Posted on January 6, 2014 by tsandhage


This is the season people create New Year’s Resolutions. Somehow it is expected that big changes can take place without self-reflection. I’m not sure how that is supposed to work. Personally, I do not make New Year’s Resolutions. If I’m going to do something, I will do it. If I’m not inclined to do something, I won’t. I see no reason to feel guilty about my decisions. I don’t care that other people make New Year’s Resolutions. I do care that they feel guilty about not accomplishing those resolutions and feel a need to either beat up on themselves or defend their reason for not accomplishing their goals. Feeling guilty is a waste of a beautiful soul’s purpose.
I realize our society endorses setting goals; as if no goals are set then nothing will get accomplished. I think people do what they want to do and should do what they want to do. Can you imagine the productivity, good will, and happiness generated by a bunch of people doing what they love in life? Society tends to act as if people will just sit around and sleep/eat all the time if they don’t set goals or have jobs. I have never found that to be true. Most people I know have a hard time stopping whatever they are doing. More people need to spend time with their families, do things about which they are passionate, and live an example of the life they would want their children to emulate. Just my opinion.
On my path to a peaceful, loving life, I’ve noticed any time my body is slumped I tend to find my mind being consumed by fearful thoughts (that is any thought which is not peaceful and loving). Of course, when my body is slumped it is tired. I may not be mentally tired but my body is tired. Who knew there was such a discrepancy? Not me. I think that is why my mind starts making all these weird fear thoughts – usually stuff that has never nor will ever happen. I think my mind wants to be doing something active and, when the body doesn’t cooperate, the mind goes to a dark place because it isn’t getting what it wants.
So, with this thought in mind, I think I will try doing more reading when my body is tired. I will have to come up with some other things my mind can do because reading is going to get a little old after a while. Right now, I can’t think of other activities that are quiet for my body and active for my mind. Any suggestions? Please, no gaming suggestions.

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