I should name this blog “Finding Myself, Year 56.” It feels like I’ve been searching for, learning more, having setbacks, and figuring stuff out again every year of my life. And, if I was completely honest, that is probably pretty accurate and will continue to be accurate for the rest of my life. After all, learning and coming to a deeper understanding of my life and my place in this Universe is a Lifelong process. Since my job here on Earth is to figure out myself and develop deep relationships, I know I need to find myself within my marriage. As the saying goes, “I need to find a way to grow where I’m planted.” I find these things so much easier when I am by myself. When I’m by myself, I do what I want to do when I want to do it and how I want to do it. When I’m in a relationship, I find myself constantly trying to do everything jointly. Maybe I’m taking the wrong approach. Maybe there is some middle ground I’m missing. I do know I’ve not been happy with the completely joint approach. It always feels like I’m asking permission to do whatever I want or need to do and that’s just illogical.
There are a few changes I want to make and they require decisions only I can make. They are things like getting more exercise, fixing meals at home, finding my passions and time for them, getting enough rest, reading, working, and taking care of the animals. All of these things are things only I can do (except taking care of the animals) and it is up to me to figure out how to get all of them done. Do I do all of them every day? Do I make a schedule? What? I don’t really know yet. I do know I must focus within for the solutions.
In the past, including right up to this morning, I find myself focusing externally for solutions to how I’m feeling. Over the past few years, I have figured out I feel better and do better when I focus within for solutions but that is not my first inclination yet. I have read “A Course In Miracles,” twice, and I am currently doing the next step which is doing the lessons that came with my book (the lessons take a year). I’m getting much better at remembering to focus within for solutions. I can tell a big difference in me and in my health. Every step I take toward letting go of fear and taking complete responsibility for everything I feel has taken me closer to perfect health. I can do so much more than I could a couple years ago. After 8 years of flailing and being unable to do much of anything but sleep, these past 2 years I have seen tremendous improvement in my health. As I let go of blaming my external circumstances, I see my energy improve. This is the first year, I’ve been able to consider adding exercise to my life. Last year, I added some work & periodic blogging to my life. This year I hope to add some exercise in the forms of flexibility & biking as well as fixing food for myself. I’ve even thought I might add another page to this blog for how to fix food for 1 person.
During my recent visit with my parents, I realized I am able to think creatively about ways to do what I need to do for myself and still allow others to live their lives without changing. As it turned out, my parents did make some changes but I had figured out how to do what I needed for me without them having to make changes. I can apply that same creativity to my current life with Jeff and with clients.
As a person who has always felt responsible for everyone and everything, it is difficult to accept everyone will function just fine without my intervention. I still have guilt, periodically, but I am learning to help while allowing others to do their own work. I’m also learning to speak up without being defensive or controlling. I’m learning to not react when others feel defensive or controlling. Instead, I am learning to listen and try to help them figure out what is going on for them, if they want to know. I’m learning to draw lines about negativity; I won’t let people spend time putting down others around me. I’m learning so much and I can’t even remember it all until something triggers one of my new skills.
I’ll probably have future posts about finding myself as I progress through this process. I wish patience for myself and my journey.