Therese's Website

When I took massage training, my instructor was very into energy work. I am very grateful for all the knowledge she shared as I learned a lot that I use every day. She believed we could heal ourselves if we were willing. However, she also told us to never say we were willing unless we were sure we wanted to take on all the challenges which would go along with saying “I’m willing to …” I had many amazing experiences in her class and experienced some personal healing; I was able to leave my allergies behind. So, because of my teacher, I’ve always told people the same thing my teacher told me.
In the past couple of days, I’ve realized there are no extra challenges that go along with saying “I’m willing …” I believe what happens is, once we utter those words, our awareness shifts so we become more cognizant of our desire to be different in the normal everyday challenges we face. I believe, before we say “I’m willing …,” we react as we always have, based on our habits learned throughout life, and ignore our discomfort or just figure it is part of life. Once we say “I’m willing …,” we begin to notice our reactions and have a strong desire to change them which makes the discomfort of our normal experiences seem bigger than before. I think the mere act of being aware of our reactions and desire for change makes us notice the challenges more strongly. Of course, in order to get to a new place, we must first recognize how we currently react. After we are aware of how we handle our everyday challenges then we can choose a new way of responding to the challenge.
I think there is a strong fear of the unknown. Maybe even a fear that we are unable to change. However, our minds are programmed for change and love to develop and learn. It is what keeps us interested. Scientists have even theorized it helps stave off Alzhiemer’s. Letting go of the standard non-loving responses in life frees us up to enjoy the beauty, love, and light around us. It allows us to live with less stress, to laugh more, and experience more joy. It allows us to notice more about our surroundings because we can spend less time focusing on the negative. The negative becomes less prominent because we respond to it less and, therefore, it ceases to be important in our lives.

It has been about 3 weeks since I last wrote. Life has been pretty busy. I’ve stayed pretty calm and in a loving place the majority of the time. My ego has taken me down some bizarre roads of things that have not and will likely never happen but I have recognized each detour and brought myself out of it. They always happen when I am tired and I find that very interesting.
I’ve been experiencing some MS symptoms that I have not experienced in several years. Again, they happen when I am tired. Actually, they happen when I am close to exhausted. They have been enlightening in that I have been doing more than normal and while I’ve improved a lot over the past couple of years, it is obvious I still have to be very careful and am nowhere near where I want to be. That’s okay and I will back off now that I know my limits are just a little past where they were last year.
I had what Oprah calls an Aha moment the other day. I think of it more as a Duh moment. I was thinking about how my energy levels this week have been really good and I’ve done quite a bit; this was before the MS symptoms. I realized I’ve been around more high energy people this week than normal. Usually people need energy but this week I’ve been fortunate enough to enjoy time with some friends who did not need my energy. I think being around people who are on the same path as myself magnifies our energy and it seems to radiate out and magnify itself. I really like that aspect of the work I’m doing. I also realized I tend to really connect strongly when I am in session or around someone who is on the same path as myself. It occured to me I want to work on being strongly connected at all times throughout the day; this was my Duh moment. If I’ve thought of that before, I’d forgotten it or maybe I’ve not worked hard enough for it. I need to concentrate on staying in the strong connection the same way I concentrate in learning to stay in that moment when I’m working on someone. That moment is something I teach myself and I need to become vigilant about my focus.
Fall is starting here and the weather has been a bit cooler which has allowed me to be outside more. I love being outside and I wish I lived in 55 – 70 degree weather all the time. Those are the temperatures which work best for my body. I can walk or work outside without breaking a sweat or wearing gloves & jacket. So, I become more active when the cooler weather comes my way. I’m excited about my learning and I’m excited about staying in a sacred space at all times. I will admit it is really difficult to stay in the sacred space at all times but I know it will get easier and one day I will just realize I’ve been doing it. I look forward to that day.
I also want to let everyone know I will be looking for another hosting site. This site does not post any comments you make for at least 6 months and I’ve been unable to get the RSS feed to work with this site. So, it is time to make a change if I’m going to be serious about blogging. 🙂

This is a picture of one of our cats, Betelgeuse. We call him Beetle or BG. About 4 or 5 years ago, BG began, periodically, meowing for no apparent reason for extended periods of time. He would do this for several minutes while walking around. He didn’t seem to need or want anything so I thought he might be having periodic pain. I took him to the vet, a place he does not enjoy. The vets could find nothing wrong with him and said he had the bloodwork of a cat half his age. Okay, so he was in perfect health. Yea! I did take him back the next year when the meowing started again since it had been almost a year since he’d been meowing. Again, nothing found. So, I quit thinking there was a problem.
One day a couple years ago, Jeff & I heard him meowing in the garage. Our kitties can come and go from the house to the outside at will by going through the kitty doors in the house and garage. I went to see if there was something bothering BG out in the garage; nothing. After a bit of meowing in the garage, and hearing several different sounds, BG came inside, walked to our guest bathroom, and repeated the sounds we’d heard coming from the garage. Then he walked into the Hallway, repeated the series of sounds, and finally into the DR and repeated the series of sounds. I decided he was singing and looking for the best acoustics. He followed this routine over a few weeks and things went quiet again.
This year BG has taken up opera. He sings every morning for about 1/2 hour and sometimes in the evening. He has also added a new dimension by running in/out of the house and tearing around on the wood floor throughout the house. He is playing. He will sometimes stand at the kitty door to the garage and pat at the plastic kitty door so it flaps and makes noise. I’m waiting for him to start meowing with the patting; I won’t be surprised when he adds the percusion to his singing. I’ve watched him sing and he just stands there, not looking at anything, and does his repertoire. He has added several variations to his sound this year and I find it amazing and, sometimes, amusing.
When this all first began, I was not very tolerant. I really don’t want to hear my animals yowl incessantly for a long period of time. I felt like I should DO something and I felt like I was failing BG in some way. I found it very frustrating and anxiety producing. Once I figured out he was singing, it relieved the stress. I am now able to laugh through it and even enjoy it. I still pay attention in case the meowing should become something other than singing.
I’m writing about this today because BG has begun singing for much longer periods of time. He sings more when Jeff is home than when Jeff is at work. He has started singing earlier in the mornings; try 6AM and Jeff doesn’t get up until 7:30AM. I’m almost to the point where I can sleep through it but not Jeff. Today the singing has lasted from 6:30 AM – Noon; Jeff is working from home. I’m laughing as I write today. I’m glad I have moved past being irritated and realized BG is just enjoying himself. Yes, I do believe he is trying to communicate with us. When I get upset, the meowing will start which, of course, irritates me more. Since I’ve realized this, I stop and work on finding more calm. BG has become my reminder to pay attention to the energy I’m sending out. Now, I wonder if he is reacting to Jeff’s energy.

I have not written for a few days because, on Monday, I lost my calm and it has taken me this long to get back to some clarity. I still know I wish to live in an open, generous, loving way and I wish to have zero conflict in my life. I know both of those are lofty goals and this latest hand grenade into my calm is one of my opportunities to learn.
One of the things I know is I am responsible for any conflict I feel. I am responsible for my emotions and my reactions to what is happening around me. The only reason I react to what is happening around me is because I learned the behavior when I was younger and had no control over what happened in my life. Of course, I also realize we control only ourselves. I was taught what to feel and how to react by observing others and from being rewarded for my behavior. Now, I wish to let go of my reactions which is easier said than done because even though I want to live an open, generous, loving life, I also want things done my way. That creates conflict within me and undermines the life I say I want to experience. I hate it when that happens! So, I have to choose:  live an open, generous, loving life or have things done my way. I decided again today that I will choose an open, generous, loving life. So, I have let my conflict go and I am back to calm. I say I’ve chosen the open, generous, loving life again because I have to choose it each day. Kind of like an addict has to choose to be sober each day, I have to choose to be different in life and release the habits I learned and ingrained so long ago.
On the plus side, I did notice, even though I was incredibly angry, I did not raise my voice. I also tried to listen to the other side and explain my thoughts and reasoning. As angry as I was, this was a huge step forward for me. Still none of the anger needed to exist if I hadn’t reacted. So, there is no justification for my reacting. There is also no blame. My ego got the better of me.
This incident has gotten me thinking, again, about how to really live in this open, generous, loving place at all times. I like to think about extreme situations because, if I can figure out how to be in the extreme situation, then everyday life is easy to handle. My extreme situation that tests open, generous, love is to be held captive and tortured with little if any likelihood of escape or rescue. How do I stay open, generous, and loving in that situation? How do I hold love for someone who would torture me? Jesus did it while carrying and hanging from the cross. Can I get to a place where I really recognize that this body is simply a vessel and my soul is eternal. I realize that on an intellectual level but can I get to the point where I realize it on an emotional level? Death doesn’t scare me because I know I will not die; my soul will live on always. I know my ego likes being here on this earth and living this life so is my ego what is keeping me attached to the conflict? According to “A Course In Miracles” the answer is “Yes.” I believe I can let go of my ego even though I have yet to release it completely. Wish me luck!

I have decided to start posting more regularly. At first, I thought I will post every day. Maybe I will and maybe I won’t. I know I tend to give myself big assignments and set myself up for feeling like a failure. So, I will just stick with posting more often than once per month and see how that goes.
One of the reasons I am increasing the frequency of my posts is because I can talk about how I deal with trying to keep myself in an open, loving place while dealing with the challenges of my mind’s ego talk. I hope others find my challenges helpful for themselves. Posting more often will also allow me to read through the changes I’m experiencing.
This is a 3 day weekend because it is Labor Day weekend. I often find myself wishing Jeff and I had spent more time with each other. We don’t have to do anything exciting; I just like us to spend time with each other and develop memories. When the day started, I had thought we would get lunch then drive to Brown County. However, I found myself dreading spending time in Brown County. I’m not a shopper and I don’t really enjoy walking through the shops since I’ve done it so many times before. I’ve also been to Brown County State Park often enough that I don’t see much new there. So, I had the idea of driving to Bedford, IN as I’ve passed a park on the way there the 2 times I’ve headed that direction. This time, I did not find the park. I don’t know if I wasn’t looking in the correct place and we just passed it or I missed it because we took a slightly different route. Regardless, we didn’t find the park. However, I did remember taking pictures of some beautiful headstones at a local cemetary. We looked online and found the headstones were located at Green Hill Cemetary. There is one headstone that is so worth the trip and I wanted to find it so I could take a digital picture of it. The last time I caught it on film. The headstone is the tombstone maker’s bench when he died. It shows the carver’s apron, square, square headed nails, broom, and other items that were on the headstone maker’s bench the day he died. I find it incredibly amazing! Tombstone makers were often buried in cemetaries where they carved a lot of the headstones so it is possible this guy carved some of the other amazing headstones I found and shot. Jeff enjoyed it too.
Why did I choose to write about this? For the past few weeks, I’ve felt stuck because I’ve felt like I’m waiting for Jeff to spend time with me. Today, I chose to take action and develop a plan. If Jeff had wanted to stay home, I would probably have gone on and done something on my own – like I did yesterday. Also, in the past, when I have been unable to find something that I know is there (the park), I berate myself for being so stupid and wrong. This time, I just didn’t care. I figured it was an enjoyable time, I didn’t feel guilty, I didn’t worry about if Jeff was upset with me, and that allowed me to open up and remember the headstones. So, I got to take a digital picture of my favorite headstone so I can print some pictures. I also remembered to take care of myself by not indulging in sweets when I started feeling tired. Instead, we ate a good dinner and both of us felt more energized afterwards. When we got back home, we both fell into bed and took a nap for 2 – 3 hours and I didn’t feel guilty or bad about that either. All-in-all, a very good day filled with good times and I kept myself focused on enjoying the day.

For several weeks, I’ve felt lethargic and wondered if I was getting sick. Earlier this week, I spent some time thinking about what I’ve been experiencing. I’m not sick and I don’t really feel tired so I began trying to figure out what is happening and why. I’ve been very calm. When I’ve felt this way in the past, it meant I was sick or getting sick plus I was tired and needed sleep. However, sick and tired did not apply in this situation.
Finally, I remembered I’ve been asking for enlightenment. I don’t feel enlightened but I do think of enlightenment as being calm. Calmness is not a feeling I’m use to. Several years ago I realized I kept my butt perpetually clenched. That was the first time I realized I was tense all the time. I had always just considered myself focused and driven. It took several years to unclench my behind and realize I usually felt anxious and stressed. This feeling of calmness I’ve been experiencing is a very different feeling for me and feels unnatural. I know it is what I want but now I have to figure out how to operate while feeling this calmness.
First, I thought scheduling my day would help me stay calm and accomplish things as well. That didn’t work. So, I’m trying a different tack. I will keep a list of things I can turn to when I want to accomplish something but am so unmotivated I can’t think straight. I am feeling like I’m accomplishing more things today.
I’m still reading “A Course In Miracles.” It is a long book! However, it is a really good book and not as repetitive as I originally thought it might be. I’m enjoying it and it is really helping me commit to the idea of working towards enlightenment. I should probably explain that my idea of enlightenment comes from watching Buddhist monks. The monks always seem so calm and centered and like nothing will ever ruffle them and they also seem to get a lot done. I want to exude love, calm, and peace while being able to do all the things I wish to accomplish in life.
The biggest change I’ve noticed about myself is that I just don’t seem to care about much; meaning things don’t get me riled up like they use to. I always felt being passionate and verbal about things meant I cared. I care about love and calm now and not a whole lot else. I’ve got a long way to go in my desire for calmness at all times. I do enjoy viewing the world a lot differently than I use to. I strongly see there really isn’t anything worth being upset. Nothing really does matter. That doesn’t mean I don’t care about having joy in this life. I care about my joy, helping others find their joy, and staying open to all possibilities. There is no reason for the fear. It is driven by us and can be released by us. Releasing all of my fears is my goal. I have found the easiest way for me to do this is to focus on the things I appreciate in my life any time I find myself feeling anything other than love or acceptance towards myself or others.
While this feels like an odd place to stop writing, I have nothing esle to say so I will stop here.

I’ve begun reading “A Course In Miracles.” This is a book created by a person who was channeling a spirit. The spirit was talking to the author and, when the author told her collegue what was happening, they decided to write it all down and publish it. I’ve tried to read a few of these channeled books before and I’ve never been able to get through them. When I bought “A Course In Miracles,” I did not realize it was a channeled book.
Anyway, I’ve been reading this book and I’m finding it very interesting that there are days when I have to re-read pretty much every sentence to understand it. Then there are days when I pick up the book and it makes perfect sense and I re-read nothing. This understanding doesn’t change from one section of the book to another. It only changes reading by reading. I suspect there is something going on within me on the days I find the reading to be easy. There may be less struggling going on within. Maybe it’s more of an open mind. I’m not sure.
What I’m reading makes sense and I will do my best to finish the book. There is very little that is coming across as “new” to me. I’m hoping that will change. Often, when reading a really long book, I find the book could have been a lot shorter. By this I mean, books often say, in one paragraph, what they take an entire book to say. The length of the book seems to be determined by how dense the author thinks the audience is. The majority of the book is different ways of saying what was said in one line in one portion of the book. Maybe I’m the only one who feels this way; it’s certainly possible. But this length of drumming something into my brain is why I prefer books like “The Four Agreements” by Don Miguel Ruiz. It’s a tiny book that makes its point and then allows the reader to soak it in. I like that in a book.
I have gotten a revelation from “A Course In Miracles,” though. I always felt, when I figured out whatever I was supposed to learn in this lifetime, my life would then be over. I realized that may not be the case. I can continue on as an example and driving force for what I’ve learned. That had not really occured to me before. It’s an interesting concept. I do realize, by living on, I will fine tune the skills I’ve learned and experience many opportunities to practice the things I’ve learned. It’s an interesting idea and one I’m looking forward to experiencing. The other nice thing about reading “A Course In Miracles,” is learning I am on the right track, the things I’ve figured out to this point are spot on, and I’m looking forward to some more revelations.
I still have a lot to learn. Like how to enjoy my life. Seems like such a basic thing and one that everyone should already understand but I do not. I do appreciate my life and, for the most part, I’d say I enjoy it. But where’s the laughter and the joy? I want more of that! I want to feel like most moments are learning experiences filled with wonderment and excitement. Maybe I’m asking too much. I’m sure many will think I am. However, I have learned I have to identify what I want in order for it to manifest. So, I want a life filled with learning, joy, wonder, pleasure, and excitement. Maybe “A Course In Miracles” will help me figure out how I’m missing out on the life I desire.

This has been an interesting month for me. It started one rainy night when I slipped on a muddy slope and my patella partially subluxated. This has happened many times before but I’m usually up and walking fine within a few days. This time was the second most severe it has ever been. During the suspension of the fall and the fall itself, I was very aware of everything that was happening. I could feel all the muscles, ligaments, and tendons stretching and tearing. I landed flat on my back and pelvis with my knee bent. I straightened my leg, using my other leg, and lay there feeling what had happened in my body and noticing the differences from before the fall. I could tell this was another improvement from the last severe fall. At this time, I still had hope my recovery would be swift and uneventful.

For the first week, after the fall, I felt decent and was able to walk and move my knee relatively well. However, at the end of the first week, my husband undwent a hernia surgery and I was on my feet for 4 days straight taking care of him. At the end of that time, I could no longer bend my knee or go without pain pills. My knee had taken a turn for the worst and my recovery was going to take some time. Also, bruises began showing up from my knee to my ankle, showing the depth of the damage. My body had tightened clear up into my neck. My body was screaming at me to take care of it.

It has been 3 weeks and I still cannot sit in a chair for any length of time. I can finally walk without pain and sit in the front seat of the vehicle. Also, I am able to drive again. I can still feel the differences in my body and how this incident is a benefit for my long-term health even though recovery will take a while. I think my recovery would have been more swift if I hadn’t needed to care for my husband but, sometimes, life demands things of us. I did learn to start letting my husband know I needed him to respect my pain and limitations. He was wrapped up in his pain and I wasn’t telling him what I needed so he didn’t know what was happening with me.

During this time, I have also been dealing with Bronchitis and a sinus infection. While my perspective could be that this incident was awful, I have chosen to recognize the changes I am experiencing and understand the fall was necessary to undo the damage from the previous severe fall I experienced years ago. I also recognize I need to approach this recovery with curiousity so I can help facilitate the new way my body will use itself. Admittedly, I could not have had this perspective a few years back. This is all new to me.

While I still find myself frustrated by the fatigue I feel. I am also able to be less harsh on myself for needing time to recover. In the past, I would have railed at myself and told myself how I was not doing enough and to push through the pain or challenges. I would have spent a lot of time punishing myself for being ill and injured. Thankfully, I am able to see the blessings in both and remind myself that the fatigue will pass, the injury will pass, and I will be the better for both. I understand my recovery is dependent upon my ability to be kind to myself and honor myself. How can my clients be kind to themselves if I do not show them, by example? I constantly tell people to look for the good, the comfort, and to give their bodies what they need to do well.

It behooves us all to be kind to ourselves. This is the only body we have for this lifetime. It can only serve us if we tend to its needs. Love & respect for ourselves translates into love & respect for others.

I have put off writing this month until the very last. I’ve had some great ideas but I didn’t put them on the computer right away so I’ve forgotten what they were. That tells me I’m having trouble incorporating them into my life.
I have animals. I love having animals and I learn so much from them. I think one of the reasons many people find animals so fascinating is animals know how to enjoy life. There are no animals that spend their time worrying about things that have never happened. If an animal is a worrier it is because they are use to living in an unstable environment.
I love watching baby animals. I especially love watching Mommy animals with their babies. I often see a Mother animal resting while several of their babies are crawling around on them or biting them or jumping on them. The Mother animal usually acts as if nothing is happening. There are very few human animals that act the same except on TV or in the movies. Baby animals retain their curiousity about the world. Humans tend to form opinions and retain them for the majority of their lives. I’m not sure this was always true. I think, when we lived closer to the land, humans were more adaptable, more willing to learn from their environment and change their assumptions based on new information.
How many people have made the connection that, when we criticize or judge people unfairly, it is often because we are uncomfortable with something we think we know about them. If we bother to really listen and get to know others, we find they are very similar to ourselves. For instance, I’m watching a movie about a woman who hated one of her classmates because she thought the classmate was so priveledged and untouchable. She meets her now many years later and finds the woman has become a top class hooker. They’ve just discovered they spent a lot of years envying each other for no reason.
I wonder if this envy is why we spend a vast majority of our lives trying to live up to some intangible, unattainable version of ourselves that we think other people will like. I wish the whole world could find the good within themselves and  become their best self. If we invested love and understanding into oursleves, I believe we would lessen or quit judging others. I think our judgement of ourselves comes from others judging us and us internalizing that judgement. We are young and don’t realize the judgement has nothing to do with us. If we ever do realize the judgement has nothing to do with us, do we take the next step and begin talking to ourselves nicely and loving ourselves? Do we figure out what we want in life instead of what we’ve always been told we want? Do we step outside of the conventions with which we grew up? Do we take the plunge and willingly step into ourselves? Probably not. There are possible consequences to change. Others might judge us, quit being our friend, get angry with us. It is difficult to face the things others might do to us and still love ourselves and move forward with our new lives. Thankfully, what I’ve found is, usually, we find people who let us know how much they admire our initiative and willingness to be ourselves. Yes, old friends may fall away but, truthfully, they were never friends. They need us to stay the same so they feel comfortable in their lives. Their falling away has nothing to do with us and everything to do with their fear of their power and unwillingness to step into it.
I know beyond any shadow of a doubt that, if everyone in the world stepped into their power over themselves & a deep love of themselves, they would find themselves to be invincible. Being alive is an incredible honor. Too many of us have given up the honor in order to fit into a very limited view of who we can be. I wish love to the world and each person in it. I understand the fear. I hope more people will join me in stepping into their power and their ability.