Waiting

I have decided to start posting more regularly. At first, I thought I will post every day. Maybe I will and maybe I won’t. I know I tend to give myself big assignments and set myself up for feeling like a failure. So, I will just stick with posting more often than once per month and see how that goes.
One of the reasons I am increasing the frequency of my posts is because I can talk about how I deal with trying to keep myself in an open, loving place while dealing with the challenges of my mind’s ego talk. I hope others find my challenges helpful for themselves. Posting more often will also allow me to read through the changes I’m experiencing.
This is a 3 day weekend because it is Labor Day weekend. I often find myself wishing Jeff and I had spent more time with each other. We don’t have to do anything exciting; I just like us to spend time with each other and develop memories. When the day started, I had thought we would get lunch then drive to Brown County. However, I found myself dreading spending time in Brown County. I’m not a shopper and I don’t really enjoy walking through the shops since I’ve done it so many times before. I’ve also been to Brown County State Park often enough that I don’t see much new there. So, I had the idea of driving to Bedford, IN as I’ve passed a park on the way there the 2 times I’ve headed that direction. This time, I did not find the park. I don’t know if I wasn’t looking in the correct place and we just passed it or I missed it because we took a slightly different route. Regardless, we didn’t find the park. However, I did remember taking pictures of some beautiful headstones at a local cemetary. We looked online and found the headstones were located at Green Hill Cemetary. There is one headstone that is so worth the trip and I wanted to find it so I could take a digital picture of it. The last time I caught it on film. The headstone is the tombstone maker’s bench when he died. It shows the carver’s apron, square, square headed nails, broom, and other items that were on the headstone maker’s bench the day he died. I find it incredibly amazing! Tombstone makers were often buried in cemetaries where they carved a lot of the headstones so it is possible this guy carved some of the other amazing headstones I found and shot. Jeff enjoyed it too.
Why did I choose to write about this? For the past few weeks, I’ve felt stuck because I’ve felt like I’m waiting for Jeff to spend time with me. Today, I chose to take action and develop a plan. If Jeff had wanted to stay home, I would probably have gone on and done something on my own – like I did yesterday. Also, in the past, when I have been unable to find something that I know is there (the park), I berate myself for being so stupid and wrong. This time, I just didn’t care. I figured it was an enjoyable time, I didn’t feel guilty, I didn’t worry about if Jeff was upset with me, and that allowed me to open up and remember the headstones. So, I got to take a digital picture of my favorite headstone so I can print some pictures. I also remembered to take care of myself by not indulging in sweets when I started feeling tired. Instead, we ate a good dinner and both of us felt more energized afterwards. When we got back home, we both fell into bed and took a nap for 2 – 3 hours and I didn’t feel guilty or bad about that either. All-in-all, a very good day filled with good times and I kept myself focused on enjoying the day.