Stepping Into Fear

Fear, and all it’s little buddies like anger, frustration, irritation, etc, is an invasive and pervasive challenge. The Ego mind has a way of seeming to be helpful while subtly planting more elements of fear within us. For the past week, my Ego mind has been extremely persistent in its desire to bring fear into my consciousness. None of my past go-to strategies are working. I wake up angry, I dream angry (when I remember my dreams), and I am angry throughout the day even though I try hard to be positive.
I’ve decided to stop fighting the anger. It’s part of me. It’s part of all of us. Fighting the anger is just making me irritated when I lose the fight. So, I’ve decided it is time to move on to acceptance. I will continue to make plans for the future I desire. I will continue to meditate, spend time in Nature, write, move in gentle ways which nourish my body, and I will stop focusing on removing the anger. The anger can be present for everything but I will continue as if there is no anger. Hopefully, the anger will work itself out.
Fighting anything just produces more of what I do not want. When I was in pain 24/7, the only way I could escape it was through deep, focused breathing which helped me fall asleep. Eventually, after many years, I started accepting how I felt. While it felt like giving up, it ended up being what has given me more success than anything else. I’ve come so far I am getting ready to buy a RV and go on the road full-time. That’s progress! Sure it took 12 years to get to this point, the time would pass anyway, and my health is moving the direction I want it to go. My life is good and I’m happy. Well, except for all the anger. 🙂
I do have fears around being out on the road by myself. I’m not sure why. I’ve done trips by myself and I always have a blast! This will be better because I won’t have a destination. On trips, I don’t enjoy the process of getting from one place to another because of how much driving is involved and I’ve never taken the time to enjoy the process. Now, I plan to drive a lot less between stops. I want to enjoy the process. I know there will be a steep learning curve. I know nothing about RVs. Filling and emptying the tanks is really the only job which causes me any concern, though. Is that weird? I’ve pulled trailers so I’m not concerned about that part and I have a heavy duty truck so I know the weight of the trailer won’t be a concern for me. I know RVs live pretty much like a house except I have to be really aware of electrical, water, and sewer restrictions. I plan to stay hooked up to electrical, there will be water, and dump stations available so I know there won’t be any problems. It will simply take time for me to learn how long my water lasts, where I use it, and how often I need to dump. I want to get a solar panel so I can learn how much electricity I use because, eventually, I want to be able to boondock. For those of you who don’t know what boondocking is, it’s living completely off the grid and relying on your own power, water, and sewage abilities. Boondocking is the only way to live away from everything. It will allow me to live secluded so I can do silent retreats and really immerse myself in Nature, a very peaceful environment.
I’m off track. I find myself smiling and excited when I think about being away from all the distractions of life. It will help me rejuvenate and be able to come back to society with something to offer. Maybe the anger is simply my body and mind telling me I’ve stretched myself beyond my limits and seclusion is the answer. Since I’m normally a pretty happy person, the anger confuses me. I hope I am able to leave the anger behind once I’m on the road.