Acceptance is a recurring theme for me. I desire to have boundless energy so very much. Any time I get a small improvement in energy, I vow I will use it to enjoy myself and do things I want to do. However, so far, I have always spent it trying to get things done I feel I’m supposed to do. It only takes a short period of time before I start to feel “symptoms” of dis-ease. First is fatigue and, like a child screaming, “I don’t want to take a nap” I tend to fight the fatigue. Next are physical symptoms. This time included pain through my spine, followed by a tight neck, and, lastly, a splitting headache. Even though I started taking care of myself when I felt the spinal pain, the remainder happened because it was too little too late. So, today, I am taking it easy. I’m spending time lying in the sun, making sure I eat good meals, meditating, and spending time outside. It is working. The headache is down to a slight roar, the back pain is gone, the neck pain has subsided but is willing to return at the slightest provocation.
I think part of the problem is I have a challenging time allowing myself to play or enjoy myself. I picked up the message, at some point in time, I am supposed to always be doing something productive. I must be building, repairing, cleaning, or taking care of something/someone else. Of course, there are loads of other things I’m allowed to do – all of which fall under the heading chores/work. Walking, bike riding, photography, reading are all things I enjoy but which are considered non-productive by that little voice in my head. I remember a time when I played with my horses and had fun. I also remember it became work when I took 4-H. After we moved to a farm, fun completely left my life. I just remember work and chores. Don’t get me wrong, I liked the farm. I enjoyed the animals, the land, the water, and all the other things Mother Nature had to offer. I just didn’t enjoy how life became about what “had” to be done instead of finding a life of what we wanted to do.
That’s in the past and I want to return my thinking to a life of enjoyment. I’m just not sure how to do that. Before, when I’ve wanted to change my life, I’ve always felt a need to kind of start over. Is there a way to find enjoyment without starting over? I guess the first thing I have to do is cut my list of things I must do down to bare minimum. I must add nothing that doesn’t spark an intense interest on my part; no joining/going to events which don’t inspire me in some way. I have to get out and go walking/biking among nature! I know that is essential. With the return of nice weather, it will be easier to get out. I will start with biking because I can sit down while I do it. That way I can take it really slowly (I have a trike) and rest when needed. I can enjoy the weather and Mother Nature and I need to schedule this so I have unlimited time. I could even take a sack lunch. 🙂 I’m smiling and this sounds fun. I have to start somewhere. Wish me luck!