Releasing the need for Approval

This past week has been full of learning for me. Early in the week, I needed some help, asked for it, received it, and was thrilled with the results. I learned something new and my challenge was solved. Later in the day, I overheard a conversation where my helper was complaining about my not allowing them to help me after asking for help. I was hurt and found myself crying because I felt so hurt. When the person was alone, I told them I’d overheard their comments and that I felt hurt; I did not try to cover my tears. They denied complaining about me and said they were so proud of me for being so independent.
While they were talking, I had a revelation. My heart was open and filled with love for them. Not because of what they were saying but because I saw the hurt within them. I saw they had been upset that I hadn’t handed the project over to them. While they were proud of me for being independent, their value was in their ability to feel useful and needed. They had not felt useful and needed even though I greatly valued what they had taught me. I realized my Ego was where I was feeling the hurt and their Ego had gotten bruised as well. It was very clear to me that hurt people, hurt people.
I returned to my RV and spent the rest of the week pondering this incident and wondering if there were some way to do better in the future yet continue to take care of myself. At the end of the week, I realized this incident was no different than when I use to be evaluated, as a teacher, by my students. There were always comments pro/con and I appreciated them but I use to find myself dwelling upon the comments about which I could do nothing like, “The room was too warm.” I realized this situation was like the room being too warm. It is one person’s desire for things to be different. I could accomodate by changing who I am and my behavior. However, I have done that for far too many years and I believe it’s why I’m in the health situation I’m currently trying to heal. So, I will not be changing myself in a way to accomodate this person or, probably, many others in the future. I empathize that my behavior and demeanor causes others pain because of how they view the world. However, I am on a journey to find myself and I will continue on that journey. The rewards have made it well worth letting other people deal with their feelings. The rewards are also worth being judged and being found lacking by others. I am beginning to like myself again. I have laughed more in this past week, even with all the comtemplation, than I have in the past year. I want to continue on my journey in my way. Maybe I will find other people who want to be allowed to travel on their journey; I’m hopeful.
My biggest realization lies in understanding I can live life from my Ego or I can live life from my Heart. I’ve always realized these two areas are very different. However, I hadn’t realized how differently the two see the world and my experience of this world. I will be proceeding by listening to my Ego and reassuring it that my Heart’s desires will also make my Ego happy. I love coming from a place of feeling overwhelmed with Love for others. My Love for others gives me a great feeling of empathy and kindness. I find this so much more enjoyable than any fear based emotion like anger.
The second thing which happended this week is, my husband pointed out I sound so much happier when I answer the phone. I didn’t pick up on the significance of that right away. After some thought, I remembered when I left home I was still feeling great irritation when the phone rang or pinged. The noise was a signal for my attention and I didn’t have any energy to give to others so I was reacting to the noise with great anger. It wasn’t that I didn’t want to talk to people, it was simply my energy was that depleted. Now, I have some small reserves of energy so, when the phone rings or dings, I feel like interacting with whoever or whatever is on the other end. While this may seem like a nothing occurence, it is significant to me. It shows me how much my health has improved in the past 3 1/2 months.
Another area of improvement is bike riding. At first, I was trying to put in miles but I found it exhausting. Then I changed to playing. That is so much more fun! I started out with making circles, doing serpentines, and making figure 8’s. That was okay but soon got boring. Then I changed to seeing how slow I can go. That was much better. I became distraced by the scenery around me; I would get lost in looking around. So, my new bike riding has speeded up a little (I don’t even think about the pedaling) and I look around and enjoy the scenery. I admit this is easier to do on a trike than a two-wheeled bike. 🙂
Since adding play to my day, I have found I do not feel exhausted at the end of the day. Before I was going to bed around 7PM. Now, I am staying awake until 10PM sometimes. If I want to go to bed earlier, I do. I finally feel like I’m learning to live my life again. I’m quite enjoying it!