Responsibility

There came a point in my life when I decided to leave the past in the past. To me, this meant letting go of anything, that happened in my past, which left me with negative feelings. I realized I was unable to control anything in the past because it was before my life was in my hands. I realize the past influences the present but I also realize the past no longer needs to influence/control the present. I am capable of changing the reactions I’ve developed over the years. The present is mine and it is up to me who I become and I am the one responsible for letting go of anything in my life I no longer desire and to get what I do desire. It has been a little over a year since I’ve started on this path. I’ve come a long way and I have a long way to go.
I’ve been experiencing a lot of headaches and joint pain lately. I have to take aspirin every night and sometimes during the day. I don’t know what is going on or why I’m having these headaches. They remind me of many years ago when I had the headaches and joint pain 24/7. They left for many years. The only reason I can give for their return is as a part of my healing journey. I hope I’m right.
I’ve also been experiencing a lot of healing at night. I can always tell because I wake up frequently and have a very urgent need to go to the bathroom. From what I’ve read, that is pretty normal. I also know because I can see and feel changes happening within me both inside and outside.
Lastly, I’ve been having nightmares. I don’t have nightmares. I call them nightmares though I am not afraid. I just don’t appreciate the visuals because they are unpleasant to view. Nothing bad is happening. It’s more like going to a haunted house place. I have no desire to go to any of those places so it isn’t a memory. I see accidents, victims, what seem to be dead people. I don’t know why this is happening either. On the plus side, this is only happening in my sleep. 🙂
I’ve recently started spending some time with my horse and reading some books. Yes, I’ve always been a reader. I’ve done a lot of kindle reading for about 2 years and, now, I’ve gone to the library and gotten some books. I do like the feel of a book in my hands. The connection with my horse is nice too. She is a great horse and I can see the difference in our relationship. Animals are such a great reflection of who we are. I can see how much I’ve changed by watching how my horse and I interact. I am enjoying seeing myself through her eyes.
I’ve recently let go of the future as well as the past. That is a different way of being in the world. Letting go fo the future has actually been more challenging than letting go of the past. I have also found it brings up the past for me which I find really odd. I’m sure they are connected. Living in the present is such a wonderful place to be. The ego really doesn’t enjoy being in the present. The spirit of the present, for me, is so amazing. It’s a very open, wonderous place so full of possibility. My ego drags me out of it often. I am steadfast in pulling myself back to the present.